The hardest part of hearing all these messages seems not in acknowledging those less than glamorous truths about me but instead in acknowledging the truth of Jesus’ heart for me. The Holy Spirit gave words like pleasure, pride, love, beautiful, valuable, gifted, strong and mighty, precious, and intimate. Jesus feels this way about me? About me?
Intimacy. Intimacy requires breaking through walls, unmasking, exposing, and being vulnerable. Intimacy fosters trust, love, and security. Intimacy is a sense of having a special, unique bond that joins two people together, a sense of oneness and unity. Even these words pale when compared to the actual sense of intimacy between two people.
Rick and I shared this kind of intimacy. With him I could let all my junk hang out and he still loved me. When his junk hung out, I loved him even more. There is something about being willing to share your vulnerabilities that builds intimacy. Every experience together strengthens that relationship. But, for me, this intimacy is no longer possible. The sense of confusion that comes with not having this piece of our relationship is astounding and indescribable. It’s like a piece of me died too. I find myself turning one way, and then another, looking for that inner connection that comes in intimacy with my husband.
But wait, I just acknowledged that Jesus feels an intimate relationship with me. Can I allow Him to be that intimate lover of my soul? That ultimate lover of me? Can I allow him into the depths of who I am so that healing and transformation can overcome me? Is it possible to draw so close to Jesus that the difference between an intimate relationship with my husband and an intimate relationship with Jesus is indistinguishable? Maybe even…dare I say…better?
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him” (John 14:23).
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