What Comfort is There?

Answering the question of how I will remember Rick on the second year anniversary of his death is not the same as answering the question of how I feel about it. Perhaps a few weeks ago I would have answered the question of how I feel differently. But as the second anniversary approaches, I find myself wondering why I feel anxious and frustrated about things that have very little meaning. I start not to recognize myself.

How do I feel? I feel overwhelmingly sad. I feel helpless that nothing can be done to change that sadness. I also feel comfort in knowing it is okay to feel sad and that this sadness will not last forever…I feel hope. But I cannot move into hope too quickly. I want and maybe even need to pass through this sadness and experience it fully. With the many exciting things happening in my life it is easy to put off the deep feelings of grief and I would not serve myself well in doing so, particularly given the knowledge that I am strong enough not to be sucked in by grief.

I realized last night that the only comfort in this sadness would be to have Rick wrap his arms around me and allow me to cry my little eyes out. No other person on earth can have that same comforting effect because of the special relationship between husband and wife, between Rick and I. With him all my guard comes down, I don’t have to hold anything together, I am not judged, I can just melt into his arms and let go of every worry and every burden.

Yes, I am comforted by the hugs of friends and family but it’s just not the same. So what can I do with the idea that I cannot be comforted? Yes, Jesus can be my comfort and he has been for so long. But what about that real physical need to be comforted? There is no satisfaction. There is no way to be comforted. I have no choice but to accept the sadness. I have no control, I have no choice, I have no comfort. Reality.

Tomorrow (figuratively) I will have the strength to accept that the need for comfort will go unsatisfied, that I cannot take control of this situation, that I have only one choice and that is Jesus…however unsatisfying that feels (did I just say that out loud?) until I actually allow myself to be comforted by him and find that I do feel better. Today is not tomorrow…yet.