Sadness Still

Not surprisingly I’m feeling sadness still. It’s like I think that if I can find just the right words to describe how I feel the sense will dissipate. Well, it might. I feel desperate for comfort and wonder if it’s even possible. I wonder if spending time with someone who’s been through my situation before would be useful, but wait, I don’t know anyone who has. More isolation.

Difficult is not the word to describe the ability to bring to mind significantly detailed and very specific feelings and memories from the day the police showed up at my door. If I’m not careful a wave will wash over me. I sometimes struggle to choose this new life instead of choosing the depths of sorrow, particularly when these details feel so fresh. I finished brushing my teeth and bounded into my bedroom only to find it empty. Sigh. I sometimes teeter precariously. Then I think of what can happen if I choose darkness. I believe it’d like trying to stay away from Tom’s chocolate cake. Once I have one piece I may as well eat the whole thing. Lots of extra energy is required to stay on the right side of that teeter-totter.

What I describe is nothing anyone would ever notice by talking with me and honestly it’s hard to put into words only because I don’t know the words that best describe this feeling. I do know that even though I feel like I’m drowning…I won’t. I know that even though I feel sad, tomorrow is a new day. I know that even though I feel alone, I’m not.

Thank you for all the gentle people who are walking beside me, who don’t pretend to know how I feel, but who are just there. I’m sorry that is all you can do, I know you would do more if you could, but it is enough. The rest is mine to carry…for now.