The Power of a Whisper

I came across an advertisement for a new Bill Hybels book called The Power of a Whisper. I’ve heard people describe the way they hear from God as a kind of physical response…like the hairs on their arms standing up or getting really hot. Sometimes God screams at me, but I usually call that the voice of the enemy. Mostly I’ve learned to recognize his voice as a whisper.

The subtitle, Hearing God and Having the Guts to Respond, well…that’s a whole other story. I beg God to show me what he wants me to do and then reject every instinct until he gets it right. Something new has happened, though. With no itinerary, no roadmap, no visibility, no windshield wipers, no guard rails, and the fuel gage shining orange…I learned to inch my way along some unknown path simply by listening to the sound of his voice.

And because I can now look back and see that he has taken me down a beautiful road – like looking through an arboreal tunnel after a drenching rain and seeing the glinting reflection of all those drops magnifying the beauty all around me – I trust that I know what his voice sounds like. And because I recognize his whisper, it’s so easy to “have the guts to respond.” Of course, I’ve not been asked to sacrifice my son on an alter so I use the term easy with qualifiers.

I love that I can see just a bit further down the road than before, but to be honest I pray that I never fully get that long distance view again. I like the necessity sometimes created by struggle that compels me to relinquish control. I like listening to the rustling sound of my Creator preparing a life for me that requires my cooperation to recognize its true beauty.

Shopping for Sandals

You should know I had to go shopping…again. You also know that for me shopping is synonymous with stress. Those of you who know me well will simply burst out laughing at me after reading this…go right ahead. But I swear this is all the truth and, well, if you want to “unfriend” me after you read this I understand.

Africa will be between 80 and 85 degrees which reasonably warrants wearing sandals most of the time and wearing my dusty, red, tennis shoes at least some of the time. Last time I went to Africa I left my sandals because I was supposed to leave everything behind. This time, I need sandals again. This part was easy. Just wait.

The quandary arises when I try to identify exactly the right sandals. There are, of course, a few criteria. I really don’t think these criteria are all that outrageous.
• They must match ALL of my clothes.
• They must cost about $10.
• They must be comfortable for a lot of walking both on pavement and on grass.

As for matching ALL of my clothes…my pants are all black. I am trying to blend in a little more as well as be comfortable. I figured some black athletic pants would work in hopes that I also don’t roast. Luckily I gave away all my dresses from last time and I had hoped to find some neutral color skirts. Instead I was given (bless those who gave) one skirt that is browns and rusts, one that is pink and grey, one that is dark blue, and one that is blue and green sea colors. So black shoes, which would not really match most of my skirts, or maybe a neutral or light tan color, which might not look great with my black pants.

As for the cost…did you know flip flops can cost $40 and that they’re not terribly comfortable? Cheapy flip-flops are even less comfortable. Did you also know that sandals are now on the clearance rack and there are almost none left…anywhere? Did you also know that the style this year is more foo-foo and less practical? Okay, so I saw some folks wearing Keens and thought that might work. Good idea, right? No. Keens cost more than $10, as a matter of fact they cost more than 8 times $10. Okay so I made the mistake of trying them on. I could hear angels singing they were so comfortable. I can find them online for a bit cheaper but by the time I pay shipping to get them here before I leave they cost about the same. Well, if I can wear them other places I could at least justify a little more money but $80? Yikes.

As for comfort…and then there is the selection of Keen styles. Slide (slip on), full body (lots of straps everywhere), and semi-open. All the local stores had only the full body style for me to try on. Then I started thinking that if I was going to get a full body sandal I may as well just wear my tennis shoes, which are strikingly beautiful with skirts. So I’d really like to find some slide on or semi-open to try on. This, of course, requires more shopping. All the while I’m keeping my eye out for some non-Keen sandals.

About now I get back to the “just give me some cheap sandals” that don’t match anything and then I remember that there is no such thing and that five weeks in cheap sandals could be rough. Right…I think I’ll go barefoot.

Are My Motives Pure?

Do I long to be in Uganda
…because of the beautiful children?
…because of the kind women?
…because of my passion for education?
…because we make a difference in the lives of some of these people?
…because we identify critical needs and find ways to meet them?
…because Jesus is there?

Or do I long to be in Uganda
…because I was welcomed and accepted?
…because I was appreciated?
…because I was loved?
…because I was helped?
…because I was cared about?
…because I was cared for?

You see, I believe the answer to all these questions is yes. But I feel a measure of caution because of the second list. I am keenly aware of the dearth of all the things during this season of my life. This scarcity may give me a propensity to connect wherever I can have these emotional needs met. I don’t want to be unfair to my dear friends by loving them only because I have a need to be loved. Does that make any sense? I guess relationship is by definition a mutual affair.

Chapel #2: Satan Uses Our Mind

Speaker and preacher, Ken Rudolph, talked about how Satan uses our mind to accomplish his work when we allow him to. As only God can do, I had just been contemplating some of the traps I sometimes buy into – pride, power, control, etc. You all know me well enough to know these problems are/were my close companions. Yet I’m beginning to recognize some different thinking patterns. I’m taking instructions and correction from high-school-age kids about exactly how to cut a giant tray of cake, or how to scoop apple crisp. I’m fetching things for anyone who says “go,” and the life guard who yelled at me for going beyond the smiley face while kayaking received an obedient, and unquestioning boat turn around.

It occurred to me that I might have felt otherwise about these orders at another time in my life. I might have thought – but I’m not a camper, I’m an adult…I am quite capable of managing my kayak around the tiny lake. I might have said, “here, you cut these like this,” or “go get me that, please,” or “shouldn’t this be done this way to save energy and money?” But nope, I’m totally giving in to the fact that I don’t have a clue and I’m not sure I want one.

It’s kind of nice, really, to not have any responsibility other than obedience. Just do what I’m told and trust others to know what they’re doing. What if we trusted God in that same way? Totally let go, no worries, just do what he says one task at a time. I know that we’ve all heard these words before but this camp experience is helping me really understand what it means. I guess I show my immaturity by being this honest but…well, I’m sure you saw it before I did. That’s what this year is about right? Breaking down walls – in part, that means being authentic.

(Dis)Obedience

I have a confession to make. A dear friend gave me piles and piles of goodies to bring to Uganda, one of which was two wads of pens…you know the ones you have no idea where they came from or how you ever got so many. Well, I thought…I don’t think we’ll need those and left them all behind.

Guess what…now I have to admit to not listening to God and apologize to the person who gave the pens to me. I’m sorry. We were asked to bring pens to the women’s conference we’re preparing for Monday night. Do you know how hard it is to get writing utensils where we are in Uganda?

Oh my, forgive me for my disobedience.

Leaving for Uganda Today

Please pray that I will have…
• Wisdom to understand God’s purpose and plan for this mission (Colossians 1:9).
• Sensitivity to the immediate and real presence of Jesus (1 Corinthians 3:16).
• Discernment to the moving of the Holy Spirit and a compelling obedience to respond to his instruction (1 Samuel).
• Listening ears and a compassionate heart for the people we serve (Job 33:1).
• Ministry to people who are grieving (Psalm 10:14).
• A message of joy and hope for the children in the orphanages (Jeremiah 49:11).
• A personal sense of sin and confession, and forgiveness and mercy (1 John 1:5-6).
• A personal sense of safety and freedom (Proverbs 18:10).

As I prepared this list, I got this image in my mind of the kind of list Santa is often shown reviewing before delivering gifts for Christmas…this long, scrolling, never-ending list. I believe the message is that I could never adequately ask for all the gifts I need in preparation for such a trip. Not only could I never think of all that will be needed, but I could never know all that will be needed. Rather, I can trust that my God will supernaturally provide and that the Spirit will prompt and that Jesus will be made real.

Amen.

Obscene Generosity

I was instructed to leave everything I bring to Uganda in Uganda when I leave. This philosophy is a little different than the “leave no trace” philosophy I learned when hiking in the national parks. I have to admit it’s been a challenge. Leaving behind the things specifically purchased for the trip (see the post about dresses) is relatively easy. As a matter of fact I can selectively pack to be sure I don’t bring anything I don’t want to leave behind.

But the idea of leaving my own things behind – the things I specifically purchased to fulfill a personal need or want – makes me want to cling to these things even more. I think, “I can’t afford to leave all my stuff here. I’d have to buy all new clothes when I return [see the post about shopping]. What about this book I want to put into my library, it was really good. This medicine is expensive and I might need it someday. I only have two pairs of sandals.”

And then…the shame. Selective packing and clinging to my “things”, when most Ugandans in the villages we’ll visit have no more than a tattered rag to drape across their frame, is appalling. This is NOT the kind of person I want to be. I want to be the kind of person who is obscenely generous, who doesn’t even think twice about giving away a most favorite/expensive/needed thing for the benefit of someone else, and who has the faith that God will find a new way to provide.

I have to admit, though, I’ll probably keep my underwear.

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow” (Matthew 6:28).

The Extravert-Introvert Continuum

Carl Jung popularized the idea that extraversion-introversion are central dimensions of the human personality and that they reside on a single continuum. The continuum approach means that people fluctuate in their behavior given circumstances along a continuum, not that there is an absence of one type and an abundance of another.

Extraverts tend to be assertive and excitement seekers; they have a broad circle of friends and are easily sociable. Introverts tend to be reserved and less outgoing, but not necessarily loners; they have a small circle of friends, but are not necessarily shy or anxious around others. I’ve heard the two dimensions also described as a preferred source of energy – extraverts recharge by being with lots of other people and activity, introverts recharge by being alone and quiet.

I always categorized myself as introverted, although friends were often surprised. I think over time I became increasingly introverted because I didn’t like getting hurt by other people. I built walls to protect myself. I tried to be perfect so people wouldn’t have a reason to hurt me. This year has been about breaking down those walls, which is having a rather unexpected effect on my position on the extravert-introvert continuum.

Although I doubt I’ll ever be a full-on extravert, I am surprised to find myself craving relationships and that I’m much more willing to step out of my comfort zone to find them. I don’t know if this feeling is the result of having no choice but to be alone (in a marriage that no longer exists) or if it is the result of some change in me through the work of My Second Year. Whatever the case, I’m dipping my toes into this new territory with some eager anticipation and expectations of knowing people who are broken just like me.

Book Review: Do Hard Things

Do Hard Things is about raising expectations of what teens can accomplish. Several great stories of teens rising above the expectations of parents, society, and themselves are contained between the covers. Yet, I could not help but wonder about how many of these stories were exceptions.
The value in this book was the small closing section called The Story Waiting to Be Told. The section is an outline of some recurring themes in the many stories of teens who took first steps to make practical changes on the way to doing hard things.

1. Get honest about yourself.
2. End negative patterns.
3. Connect with those who can help.
4. Identify a few key action steps.
5. Acknowledge the need for God’s help.
6. Expect success.

Sounds simple, right? No matter how I think about it I can see places where I get stuck at the first step (or I need to repeat it over and over) and places where I’ve conquered the first step. Same with the remaining steps…sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. On the whole, though, I hope I’m gaining more than losing. I’d like to think this gaining-losing process, this tug-o-war, is normal. The point is that we’re on the path to doing the hard things of life rather than running away from them.

“Who is like the wise man? Who knows the explanation of things? Wisdom brightens a man’s face and changes its hard appearance” (Ecclesiastes 8:1).

Everything’s Gonna Be Okay

Most days I feel great. Is it okay to feel generally happy a year and a half after my best friend died? I should be moving on, right? I should be reforming my own life now…right? I will never forget, Rick. He will always have a very special place in my heart. But he can’t be here now so I have to move forward…right?

Honestly, I have no idea how I should feel. I think part of the reason I generally feel this good is because I’m learning to have a relationship with Jesus like none other. I’m working through my grief via exercise, reading, journaling, new friendships, and by having a mission focus. I’m also being a realist about life today with, perhaps, a little romanticist mixed in.

But, yesterday…not so great. It’s like everything I ever learned, knew, or believed went out the door. I almost feel ashamed when this happens. I feel like I’m not conquering, overcoming…like I might not “make it.” I feel like I am a bad Christian because on this day I can’t see anything but my grief. Am I allowed to have fall-apart days? Am I allowed to have cry-in-the-car days? Am I allowed to think that everything stinks, believe that things will never get better, and feel generally hopeless? Just for a moment? Just for a moment can I feel this way…before I come back to reality where I know everything will be okay?

Who am I?

I was reflecting on a number of conversations I’ve had with various friends over the past couple of months. We talk about things like where I want to live, what I want to be when I grow up, or whether or not I like/dislike certain things. I was struck by the realization that I was responding to many of the discussions based on old paradigms. I responded based on plans Rick and I established. I responded based on who my employers said I was. I responded based on what others expected me to be. Of course, some of my own thoughts were mixed in.

Have you ever taken a personality test…something like Myers-Briggs typology or the DISK assessment? I’ve taken the pair of tests perhaps four or five different times. Each time I felt pressured into answering the questions based on what other people say about me, who society said I should be, what my education said I should be, or what I wanted to the answer to be. I was never sure what the answer truly was…what was really true about me.

So, who am I really? As I reflected on these conversations with friends, I realized that I might not answer some of those questions in the same way today as I would have in the past (if I allowed myself the moment to reflect before blurting out the long practiced answers). Of course that doesn’t mean I know how I would answer differently. I love being challenged to really think about what I want and who I want to be.

It’s a little disconcerting to not know who I am, but at the same time it’s really exciting to think maybe – just maybe – My Second Year really is transforming me. Or…is it that I want the change and so that is what I see? Oh bother. Among all else, I always know that I am a child of God and whatever good there is in me comes from him.

Child Sacrifice Part 2

As shown in the BBC report, one former witch doctor travels through northern Uganda to press practicing witch doctors into reformation. He revealed that some of the witch doctors are afraid of police punishment if they admit to the crime and ask for help. Other witch doctors are afraid of retribution from the spirits if they stop performing ritual sacrifices. To the witch doctors who want to stop, it seems like a no-win situation.

The Minister of Ethics and Integrity in Uganda, James Buturo, grants that evil spirits exist in all cultures, but acknowledges that they need not be consulted for any purpose. In 2008 Buturo called for a ban on mini-skirts because of the distraction to drivers resulting in traffic accidents (remember this is the place where I must wear long dresses). In 2009 Buturo introduced an anti-homosexuality bill to protect the traditional family. These two examples alone suggest that Buturo has a very conservative, fundamental view…one that is often not often favored locally or internationally. Given the state of our world, I am not surprised that a minister of ethics is not a popular person. It’s with this man that Laura and I will meet to find out how we can best support the efforts to end child sacrifice.

Last year an Anti Human Sacrifice and Trafficking task force was established in the Kampala police department. The task force is headed by Moses Binoga. Efforts to find more information about the task force failed. A handful of articles published in 2010 are simply repeated in multiple news sources. The variety and content of quotes by Binoga, however, suggests the task force does exist.

As with all reporting, bias, agendas, and worldviews shape content. What is truth in these situations? While I don’t claim to know the answers, I am more informed about the controversy, the people involved, and the issues. At best I can pray for release from these strongholds and that Jesus would be known and loved far and wide in Uganda.

Public versus Private

I’ve run into a curious situation. You saw my post about the small village in Alaska that preferred not to have any blog discussion about them. Some of what I learned before going was troubling and cause for specific prayer. Some of what I experienced while there was amazing and cause for celebration.

As I prepare to go to Uganda, I specifically inquired about whether or not the darker parts of the issues in the villages (child sacrifice) could be discussed online and the response I received was a resounding “yes!” I was told the people there know what their problems are and they want them to stop. Raising awareness is one way to bring an end to these problems.

What is it that makes one village want their needs to remain private and another village willing to make their needs public? I wonder if there is any relationship between the public/private discussion and my own ponderings about journaling and the fear behind the public nature of writing in a blog.

Culture must certainly play a role in these differences as well as a variety of other circumstances. For example, many Alaskan villages are not on a road system, which may result in a culture preferring privacy. Many Ugandan villages are on a crude road system which may result in a more public culture. Whatever the reason, the two mission experiences will differ in the issues within the villages and the desired degree of anonymity.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

Three Important Roads

Three streets stand out as significant in the stories of the Bible.

The narrow road leads to life (Matthew 7:14). Based on the bit of text Scripture offers, it looks like there are only two choices: the narrow road or the broad road. One or the other. Not both. There is no alternate route. Our eternal destiny is determined by which road we choose. We can have destruction or we can have life. Standing at this crossroad comes upon us a number of times over the course of our lives, doesn’t it? How do we know for sure which road is broad and which is narrow? Sometimes it’s hard to see.

The street where Jesus rode into Jerusalem marked his last week on earth (Matthew 21:8; Mark 11:1). Jesus willingly stepped toward the destiny God prepared for him, even though he knew it wouldn’t be easy. Not only would this road not be an easy one, the road would not have any honors, acclamations, or white horses. No special treatment for this king. In fact, the road seemed rather lonely, some of his friends left him, he was mocked, and he was degraded. If we could see this when we’re choosing the broad or narrow road…which would you chose? I’m not always so sure I’d make the right choice.

The streets of gold in the Great City (Revelation 21:21). This Great City is a place where no one who is sanctified is kept out. Transparent streets of gold. I don’t know what transparent gold is like, but I think the idea is that God’s light shines through everything. Nothing is hidden from that light. I imagine that transparency, that authenticity, would be so refreshing and bring peace that we have never experienced before. As much as we try to have real relationships, I’m not sure it’s possible to make ourselves completely vulnerable while we are still on earth. But the idea that we cannot hide ourselves in heaven brings to mind a sense of release and true rest.

So, what road are you on? Are you sure? Always?

Change Me or Accept Me?

My Second Year purpose is to break down walls, build compassion, and show grace. The purpose has always had this dual audience: me and those I would serve through missions. Yet a close friend recently challenged me to think about whether or not my desired personal result should not be a changed me but instead a changed acceptance of who I am. Huh…love myself for who I am even with all these broken, ugly parts? Why is that idea so difficult to grasp? Why does it seem so impossible?

Do I want to change who I am as a result of fear? Fear of judgment? Fear of condemnation? Fear of rejection? Fear of being picked last? Do I want to change who I am so that I can be a better person? Be a better friend? Be more liked? Loved? Or do I want to change me to become more acceptable to Jesus? Yes, I can hear the flaw in all of my thinking.

How can I accept who I am, get comfortable in my own skin? How do I love Jesus more so I can love other people more? How do I get comfortable with the idea that there is no change in me that will make me more acceptable to Jesus? How do I love me because Jesus loves me even when other people don’t?

It seems to me that changing me and accepting who I am as I am are synergistic goals. Are they even achievable goals? Here I am back at measuring something, setting performance standards.

Wow, friends… I love being challenged to think differently, to change my paradigm, to see through a different lens. It’s not always easy though.

Book Review: A Distant Grief

A Distant Grief is the story of Kefa Sempangi who founded and pastored a 14,000-member church in Uganda. He described in firsthand detail the suffering and persecution of Christians during the 1970s and 1980s at the hands of Idi Amin. In addition to the post about confessing your faults to one another, a number of other lessons stood out as important for me.

First, Sempgani was able to identify with the people of Uganda because of his own poverty but when the people elevated him to a position of power he was no longer able to identify with their suffering (p. 24).

Second, an observer told Sempangi that “You pray to indulge your own desires. You center on your needs or the needs of the brethren, but you do not center on Christ.” Along with his brothers and sisters in Christ, Sempgani determined to “…make Christ the beginning and the end of all [their] expectations. [They] determined to have no hope except that which was derived from Scripture. [They] learned that prayer was not a platform for self-expression but a self-emptying process” (p. 44).

Third, a brother from the church warned: “Brothers and sisters, I fear there is too much brokenness here [referring to authentic repentance]. We are walking too much in the light. We must remember that the devil will not stand for this.” He was silent for a moment. Then he trembled, and he spoke these works, “It is a frightening thing to be a child of God” (p. 45).

I could list pages and pages of amazing words of wisdom and stories from Ugandan history, but instead I’d like to challenge you to read the book for yourself. I am told that I may have the opportunity to meet Dr. Rev. Sempangi and pray that I find the right words to bless him for sharing his testimony.

Reform, Rely, Renew

The decline of the kings comes after David’s reign. Solomon fell away from God as did his son Rehoboam and his son Abijah. But after Abijah died, his son Asa became king of Judah and he realized that he had a choice to make. Would he follow in the ways of his father or would he do what was right in the eyes of the Lord?

2 Chronicles 14 tells the story of his choice to remove alters, smash stones, and cut down poles. He relied on God for help and he renewed his commitment to his laws and commands. Azariah, a prophet, called a blessing on Asa and Judah and said, “But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded” (2 Chronicles 15:7).

Every day I have to give up things that were once important to me (control, power, justice, being right, etc.) and refocus my heart on God. Every day I renew my vows to Him and ask for a heart that beats with His heart. Every day I feel like I fail…miserably. Why? What keeps me apart from Him?

Flesh Responses
• Does not have to be invited
• Shows up immediately
• Shouts

Spirit Responses
• Desires an invitation
• Comes over time
• Whispers

Why is it that I have to start every day over…from the beginning? Why is it so hard to move from flesh to Spirit? Why do I have to fail over and over again? Why? Why don’t I seem to “get it”? Am I the only one? Why is it so hard for me but not for other people? What is wrong with me? What will it take?

Thanks (I think) to Pastor Jeff at Ada Bible Church for providing my Saturday date-night with Jesus and for writing a sermon just for me even though this is only the second time in 10 years that I’ve attended this church. Thanks for telling me over and over again, “…be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded” (2 Chronicles 15:7).

Confess Your Faults to One Another

One of the founding fathers of the East African Revival Fellowship challenged Sempangi, author of A Distant Grief: The Real Story Behind the Martyrdom of Christians in Uganda, to see the confession of sin to others as the practice that brings brokenness and then grace. Here is my attempt at paraphrasing with efforts to maintain the powerful nature of the content (pp. 38-39):

Left to ourselves, we’ll never confess to one another. However, allowing grace to enter in through confession pushes pride into a corner. The power of the Holy Spirit moves when repentance is made through confession. “When there is repentance, pride gives way and in its place is conviction and confession, and then forgiveness.” Remember James 5:16, “Confess your faults to one another, and pray for one another, that ye may be healed.” Mongo (a Fellowship leader) went on to say that, “It is not the man who has the correct exegesis of the verse who knows its truth. It is the man who confesses his sin to his neighbor.”

Walking in the light means a total sharing with our brother of our secrets. Mongo reminded Sempgani of Jesus’ words to His disciples, “I no longer call you servants, a servant knows not the secrets of his lord but I have shared with you the secrets of my father.” Sharing our secrets brings total identification with one another, which forms a bond based on reciprocity. Consequently, gossip has no room because our confession is already in the light. Instead of gossip we make efforts to strengthen and defend one another.

Brokenness, even as Jesus was broken, means having no pride. Pride prevents confession and an absence of confession means an absence of forgiveness. “The broken one is he who is broken to heal a broken relationship. He is the one willing to ‘give in,’ who doesn’t find his identity in always being in the right.” Like the breaking of the five loaves and the two fishes, we must surrender our will to be broken so that God will use us, so that we don’t only remain a “nice loaf of bread.” Unless we are broken we would be too proud to lose our life for sinners, too proud to give our lives away for imperfect people. We would wait for the perfect person or the perfect community and never find it. “We would end up like Judas, making only a partial commitment to the body of believers to whom I belonged and finding my identity in my rebellion from them.”