Most days I feel great. Is it okay to feel generally happy a year and a half after my best friend died? I should be moving on, right? I should be reforming my own life now…right? I will never forget, Rick. He will always have a very special place in my heart. But he can’t be here now so I have to move forward…right?
Honestly, I have no idea how I should feel. I think part of the reason I generally feel this good is because I’m learning to have a relationship with Jesus like none other. I’m working through my grief via exercise, reading, journaling, new friendships, and by having a mission focus. I’m also being a realist about life today with, perhaps, a little romanticist mixed in.
But, yesterday…not so great. It’s like everything I ever learned, knew, or believed went out the door. I almost feel ashamed when this happens. I feel like I’m not conquering, overcoming…like I might not “make it.” I feel like I am a bad Christian because on this day I can’t see anything but my grief. Am I allowed to have fall-apart days? Am I allowed to have cry-in-the-car days? Am I allowed to think that everything stinks, believe that things will never get better, and feel generally hopeless? Just for a moment? Just for a moment can I feel this way…before I come back to reality where I know everything will be okay?
Yes, yes, and yes. Grief isn't a clean, linear thing that goes as expected and proceeds in a straight line to healing. Nope. It makes stops in dark places then proceeds again into light. Not always pretty, but it works in the end!
ReplyDeleteLove you, niece of mine!
Jean
You are a blessing Leslie! Your honesty is refreshing and will be used to help others as well as yourself. Hugs!!!
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