My Constant Companion

Now that the pressure to walk has been lifted, I feel a sense of freedom related to the time available for other projects. Walking three miles in one hour means that I spent between one and seven hours training for the walk…every day. It almost seemed like a full time job. But…swinging my feet out of bed at 5:00 a.m. knowing that I’ll be walking for five hours that morning is a bit different than getting up to go to a job.

So many benefits come from such a commitment, though. The mental and emotional relief from the stress of Rick’s death was a benefit I enjoyed through walking. I listened to dozens of books on tape, books I would have otherwise never read. Walking is a great activity for physical health, especially if I want sexy legs (haha). Nighttime was particularly welcome as I slept hard on those nights when my walks were longer.

Toward the end of my training time, I began to wonder where the stress from grief had gone. Where was my constant companion? As I am now three days distant from the last walk, I am beginning to feel its presence again. I wondered…am I done grieving? Is there such a thing as done? If there is, I’m not sure I want to be done quite yet…not so much so that I hardly think about this giant part of my life that is now my past.

Instead I think the walking took its place. That constant physical activity relieved the stress of grief as it had when I simply walked around the neighborhood each morning. Yet perhaps there is some magical proportion to relieving this stress. X hours of walking equals X2 less stress. Now that the walking is done, that stress seems to be creeping back in. Good.

I am not a glutton for constant stress or sadness or grief. I am simply acknowledging that there is a sense of comfort in remembering even though doing so brings a sigh. I can’t explain it. I don’t think – although asking my friends may produce a different answer – that I am mopey or that I act like a victim while I carry this grief. Today I simply walk alongside it, my constant and familiar companion.

Perhaps it’s this companion having its proper place is what changes me. This companion may truly be helping me along toward My Second Year purpose. For that, I am so thankful.